How I Do It: ‘I watch lesbian porn then order a Chinese – this is my week in sex’

Kat shares her week in sex (Picture: Myles Goode/Metro.co.uk)

For today’s How I Do It, the series which gives you a peek into what the sex life of a stranger looks like, we hear from Kat Ronson, an actress and comedian.

Kat is 29, bisexual, and usually has sex twice a week on average, describing her relationship with sex as the longest bond she’s ever had.

She’s happy that her sex life is about ‘quality over quantity’, and says things are usually initiated with the help of ‘alcohol or midnight sexts’.

In future, she’d like her sex life to be more ‘adventurous’, and to do ‘the stuff you do in a relationship without the relationship part.’

Without any further ado, here’s how she’s been getting on…

Monday

On Mondays, I tend to find I hit a place where I need a pick-me-up.

What can I do? Should I drink? I settle on having a good old-fashioned wank instead, as usual.

I search for some porn. I usually go for lesbian stuff, although I love watching a guy give head. Lesbian porn just tends to be a lot more centred on the woman… and include better oral technique. It always has to have oral, and the technique cannot be sloppy or stabby.

I’m a bit old-fashioned in that I don’t have gadgets and gizmos and vibrating rabbits. #Poorgirlslife is barren of sex toys. This means I use my hands, so the material has to be hot.

If I hear weird guys in the background (‘oh yeah baby do it to her’), fake moaning or see a knife tongue, I just can’t get into it. It’s getting harder and harder to find anything that meets my criteria.

Today, I lose interest and order a Chinese. That makes me really happy, and I fall into a carby coma. I also have a very hot sex dream.

Tuesday

I’m very happy about my sex dream. It was so good that I have a spring in my step.

I’ve gone out for sushi today, and it’s got me feeling very horny. The fish and the rice just gets me going, I guess.

Next thing I know, I’m downloading the apps and having a swipe, but there’s no one on there tickling my pickle or making my bean wiggle. It’s so depressing.

I just want to find a hot booty call who doesn’t get on my last nerve… why is that so hard?

Wednesday

Woke up to a very annoying DM. ‘Do you like big cock?’ Well. I can’t lie, yes, I do… but what’s it got to do with you? Why are you bothering me with this?

My instinct is to reply ‘I do… but I’m getting micro dick energy from you’.

But then I think he’d take it as an invitation to send a dick pic and I just don’t have the strength to look at another unsolicited ball-sack shot today.

That aside, I had a bit of a sexy conversation on Bumble, which lightened my mood and satiated my horniness slightly.

This is the problem with me on dating apps. I want a full-on sext session before I can be arsed meeting someone, which isn’t romantic at all. But I just love to get a good, consensual sext. It’s good for my soul!

actress and comedian Kat Ronson‘Maybe it’s not the sexiest month, but I still feel sexy inside’ (Picture: Kat Ronson)

Thursday

Doing this diary has made me think of all the sex I’m not having, and of the ghosts of sexes past.

There was a time when I had a good roster of dependable sexual partners. They were decent people to hang out with, respectful and obviously great in the sack.

A woman I was having incredible sex with is now happily seeing someone, which is lovely. I’m so happy for you, girl, live your best life. But now I’m working out how many orgasms I’ve not had since she broke it off – approximately 36.

I’m usually quite regular, but January is just a weird time of year. Everyone is poor and cold. How can we be our horniest, hottest selves when I’ve got icicles on my feet?

Maybe it’s not the sexiest month, but I still feel sexy inside. A good shag would make me feel like I’m already having a successful new year.

Friday

My flatmate is out, so I’ve got the place to myself. It’s on, baby. My hand and I are going all the way tonight.

I shut my cat out of the room. This is me time. I found a really good video, a threesome and all parties were hot and having a good time and their technique was sexy.

I had a great orgasm. I feel like a new woman. Just imagine how great I’d be if I was having mind-blowing orgasms every day. I’d probably run marathons and work for children’s charities. Orgasms should be prescribed by doctors.

Masturbation for me is a bit of a holy practice – I can’t force it. I can’t speak for all women, but I can’t just ‘bash one out’.

Guys can just tug for long enough, and it’ll happen. I think that’s where they go wrong a lot of the time. They think that just repetitive movement can result in a woman’s orgasm.

But the time was so right tonight – my hand and I were great. I’m positively glowing. No, I really think I have a halo glowing from my vagina right now.

Saturday

That great orgasm has got me really wanting the real deal.

Saturdays are a day I do all my admin bits ready for Monday. So I sent an ex a ‘how’ve you been?’ text. Well, if guys can do it then I can too.

We had a nice chat then he sent me a dick pic, but I actually wanted to see it, so it’s fine. He said he’s hard for me and wants to come round.

I would say yes if it was possible to give time restrictions. I just wanted to say: ‘Wanna come round today? Let’s have sex as many times within two hours as possible, but then you must be gone’.

I’m feeling a bit risqué, so I actually send it. He said ‘okay’.

We had good sex, and he went down on me. His oral was off the chain, he’s really come far. I’m so proud of him.

However, he arrived late, and he did not leave at his specified time. I had to drop hints for an hour till he finally left.

We went and got a post-sex McDonald’s and now, I truly think this is the perfect Saturday.

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Sunday

Woke up more depressed than usual. I feel a wetness and, yep, I’ve come on my period.

That explains the insatiable horniness one minute and then hating my life, wanting to quit it all and be an au pair in Canada the next.

I always welcome my period with open arms, because it’s a symbol of my not being pregnant, and it also means my body is working, despite all the alcohol and non-food substances that circulate my body.

It also means I have permission to order loads of food and watch Real Housewives all day. I treat my period like a full-on illness, which is every woman’s prerogative.

Pad adverts are like ‘don’t let your period stop you from doing your yoga and pentathlons’. Why? I don’t want to do those things even when I don’t have Niagara Falls between my legs.

We should be celebrating the period… peacefully in bed.

Overall, it’s been a successful week. I lost my 2022 virginity, and I’m not pregnant.

Happy days.

How I Do It

In Metro.co.uk’s How I Do It you get a sneak peek into a week of a person’s sex and love life – from vanilla love-making to fetishes, threesomes and polyamorous relationships, they reveal it all.

Fancy taking part yourself? Email aidan.milan@metro.co.uk for more information.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk

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